I don't really know what to say, or really where to start. I have literally been sick the past few days because of things that Jesus is revealing to me that are just a good firm reminder of where I fall short, of where I need Him, and of where I just am so human and He is so God. But even in that He has shown me my value, as His.
Even with those reminders, He teaches me how much He loves me in the midst of it. It's me accepting that powerful and heavenly love.
I've done a few things this week that have brought me to this place.
one: started reading Captivating
two: began listening to the podcast Circuit Riders
three: painting
After much fight, I finally caved in and began reading Captivating. My mentor, and one of my best friends, Alisa, has been trying to get me to read this book for YEARS. And it's been sitting in my book shelf collection for that same amount of time. As I packed up to leave for Lubbock to see my sister, on a whim I grabbed it. I had hours and hours to read this book on the way. After hour 3 of being in the car, I picked it up, and began to read.
At first I didn't even get a pen out because I knew I wouldn't be highlighting anything.
If I got over myself and my tiff against the whole being called a "princess"(which I HATE being called), and they use this kind of lingo in the book, but I read the book for the value of what they were teaching.
And I learned that, the root of why I was running away, and it was because I was too scared to be reminded that an all perfect Jesus, and all perfect lover, could really love me when I had slapped Him in the face time and time again. I was scared of feeling judged.
Then I read why He created Eve.
And I broke. And am still breaking.
"Ezer Kenegdo"
That's what He called Eve. In the english language we couldn't even translate it to what the value of the word was fully.
It means sustainer beside him.
That it was not good for man to be alone, so He made an ezer kenegdo. (Genesis 2:18)
We have translated her to a helper or companion. But she is a sustainer. This word ezer is only used a few other places in the Old Testament, and every other time that the word is used, it is describing God, when the people needed Him to come through DESPERATELY. Life and death cries. He is their only hope, He is their ezer. Their lifesaver.
In the book it talks about how God did not call us to a safe life, He actually calls us to a life involving frequent risks and danger. So we need Him to be our ezer. If we chose the life of a safe mover, we don't need an ezer.
I need Him because my life is in constant danger.
To top off this week of just, well I don't even know what to call it, because it's been a little bit of everything... I just want to give Him praise for His goodness. That just like the story in Hosea where the prostitute always runs away and He still not only loves her, but provides for Her, that I am still welcome in His arms.
Humbling. Very very humbling.
So partner with me this week in prayer as I seek out these things.
AND I'm going to ask each of you that read this blog, that you take a few minutes and ask Jesus, where can my life be more dangerous? Where can I explore more of a need for my ezer?
Mine is in being officially accepted to YWAM Pismo Beach!!!!! and desiring so much to be there in September, but being held back because of finances, so I say that I need an ezer who can save me from the idea that He is not enough.
really creepy, but i just think gnomes are hilarious!
Love each of you.
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