Friday, November 25, 2011

ART!

Looking for a good Christmas gift?


left: $45
not sure the exact measurement, but a little more than half the size of the other two

middle: $65
11x14

right: $65
11x14



$65
11x14

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

How real are we willing to be?

I'm not going to lie: this is very vulnerable.
I have learned the value in being honest, especially with the lifestyle I live, it is a necessity. We live in America where it is easy to hide, and to sugarcoat so much. You know exactly what I am talking about...
"Hi, how are you?"
"Good. How are you?"
"I'm good, thanks!"

 But in this time, I desire to see heart's healed and loved through the reality. I feel as the more people I talk to, it's an unspoken bind that the enemy has over our hearts. My roommate desires and fights for this very thing that seems untouchable. But I say, it can no longer be put in the darkness of our hearts. I believe that Jesus wants us to fight for this very thing.
This is my very honest moment. And re-reading this before I post it, kinda turns my stomach because I know that now each of you can see and read my open messy heart.





Why Jesus do I push You away? When I live my life as a disciple, to run so hard after Your kingdom.
I don't believe You are enough to satisfy me, to really deeply and intimately satisfy me. I see You as a father, as a best friend, but NOTHING like the deep longing love. I desire that more from man, than You Jesus.

"My strength in life is that I am Yours?" Yes, as a daughter that You care deeply for, as a best friend that brings joy abounding...
If nothing else in my heart happens, I will find strength knowing that I am Yours, that my life was to bring You glory. That you are my heart's desire.

And yet how honest can I really be with that statement? Can I sing the words beautifully? Yes. But can I feel loved in a way that only Jesus is. It's who He is. Better, do I even know what that looks like, seek that, open even the smallest window for Jesus to pour so deeply?
Cause I can sing the words and let everyone around me know that it is my desire, but what if the man that I marry, all that I did was sing him songs? How annoying.
That I never really talked about the depth, but only sang what I thought would be most pleasing to hear.

Do I really make it the cry of my heart? To let my heart overflow. Or does it just sound good written out? Cause right now, it's just looking and sounding really good...

Am I a lover of His presence? Absolutely! Do I see fullness of joy, in the purest form? Absolutely.

But my love is not Yours first, it is of You, but not You.

I wanna sing to You Jesus, that YOU are my heart's desire. But I can't because I would be lying. To desire You more than anything would be a LIE to my heart. There are things in my life that replace You. Easily. There are few parts in my heart right now that can only be filled by You. Which in reality, to be fully honest, I think I forget too often that You are fullness. I let others do that for You, because I'm not even sure I would know what that would look like. I run to others to fill hurt, to fill voids, or even to fill joy. Or I enjoy just talking more about You, than really to You. I fall into that too often.

And this breaks me to say. It brings me to the deepest sorrow, belly of tears.

I wanna run so hard.

But I know that You must, and You desire to be that first. That my truest desire right now is to desire You. And this can be said and sung over and over but, I want to really know and truly seek what that means. My life reflects Your love, but my heart is a mess.

And I will fight You until deep cries out to deep. I'm not scared to be angry and confused at You, because to know this deeply is worth so much more than to live in pretend.

Monday, November 14, 2011

so friends,

How did loving someone yesterday change you? Transform your heart? Did you hang out with Jesus on the streets?
Were you bold enough to try it?





First, we (me and Paula) went here to Oceano, where we have done a few outreaches here before and hung out with our friends on the streets. It's literally a 3 minute drive from our house. This place is called La Tapatia (and has incredible tacos) and if you want some good ole' Mexican food, come here. We met our friend Larry, who was incredibly excited to see us! I love that feeling. I had made homemade spaghetti with chicken (I even got crazy and put sautéed apples in there. what?), garlic toast, and of course you have to finish a meal like that with dessert. So we sat on the sidewalk here and just caught up on life. He was so honest with where he was at with Jesus, and just life. We got to enjoy some great company for our Sunday lunch, and prayer for his relationships in the neighborhood. This man knows his Bible, which was fun for me and Paula. He reminded us that the enemy comes to steal, kill, and destroy. Then he followed that with, "and wanna know where the enemy is? That man over there. He definitely came to steal, kill, and destroy."



Our next stop was The Mission in SLO (San Luis Obispo) about 15 minutes from our house. We LOVE this place! It has the downtown feel, with lots of shops, and local coffee shops, book stores, farmers market, protestors, and fun art. We also do some outreach here to our friends on the streets. It's always an interesting bunch. They bring us lots of laughter, really hard questions, vulnerable hearts, and sometimes we just get yelled at. Makes for a fun day. We definitely didn't leave without some fun stories. We met people that have walked over 4 days in a row, can juggle with homemade sticks, need liver transplants, wanna try sledding in fresh snow, and just needed to not feel ignored, to feel human. It's amazing the stories that we heard when we just stopped and asked. When you look them in the eye and see them and talk to them the same that you would a friend. Because they are friends. They are brothers and sisters. Things change, you stir conversations around you. You look weird, you get people always staring, but it opens Heaven, oh man does it open Heaven. To see the love of Jesus poured out over these people was worth the dirty looks, the loud yelling, and weird smells. To hear stories of the adventures these people have been on, who they have met, and what they need to be prayed for is so sweet. They have stories worth telling, good and bad. They need Jesus' grace each day, just as I do. 

I love that my eyes have been opened so that I can see my "home" now, no different than when I was here on my DTS. To look for opportunities all around. Cause there is always a need to be met. Thank you Holy Spirit for that revelation. That reminder.

  “But when the Son of Man comes in His glory, and all the angels with Him, then He will sit on His glorious throne. All the nations will be gathered before Him; and He will separate them from one another, as the shepherd separates the sheep from the goats; and He will put the sheep on His right, and the goats on the left.
   “Then the King will say to those on His right, ‘Come, you who are blessed of My Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world. For I was hungry, and you gave Me something to eat; I was thirsty, and you gave Me something to drink; I was a stranger, and you invited Me in; naked, and you clothed Me; I was sick, and you visited Me; I was in prison, and you came to Me.’ Then the righteous will answer Him, ‘Lord, when did we see You hungry, and feed You, or thirsty, and give You something to drink?And when did we see You a stranger, and invite You in, or naked, and clothe You? When did we see You sick, or in prison, and come to You?’ The King will answer and say to them, ‘Truly I say to you, to the extent that you did it to one of these brothers of Mine, even the least of them, you did it to Me.’
   “Then He will also say to those on His left, ‘Depart from Me, accursed ones, into the eternal fire which has been prepared for the devil and his angels; for I was hungry, and you gave Me nothing to eat; I was thirsty, and you gave Me nothing to drink; I was a stranger, and you did not invite Me in; naked, and you did not clothe Me; sick, and in prison, and you did not visit Me.’Then they themselves also will answer, ‘Lord, when did we see You hungry, or thirsty, or a stranger, or naked, or sick, or in prison, and did not take care of You?’ Then He will answer them, ‘Truly I say to you, to the extent that you did not do it to one of the least of these, you did not do it to Me.’ These will go away into eternal punishment, but the righteous into eternal life.” -Matthew 25:31-46


Jesus, You make all things new!
We give You praise and ALL of the honor, ALL the glory, God! Oh, for how we are so richly blessed. We are RICH. Pull us out of the poverty mindset. 


Sunday, November 13, 2011

should I?

I read this tonight and was incredibly convicted...
How I so love revelations through the Holy Spirit


"How does God's love abide in anyone who has the world's goods and sees a brother or sister in need and yet refuse to help?" -1 John 3:17


So picture this, we are driving down the street, we may even go as far as to say walking...and we see a person in need. We are either, in a hurry and don't have the time to stop, have no cash or anything to give, or we just drop eye contact quickly and pretend they don't exist.


Our excuse..
They are probably just going to use it for alcohol, or drugs, or something that we don't approve of
Well, it's their fault that they are on the streets, they should just clean themselves up and get a job
I can't stop and help everyone, so i'll get the next one
It would be weird, for me as a girl, to stop and talk to an old man- it's just not smart


You know you are all shaking your head in agreement because this is EXACTLY what we do.


Yet, Jesus, the One that we are striving to be like, the One we fix our eyes on as our example...He says this-
"How does God's love abide in anyone who has the world's goods and sees a brother or sister in need and yet refuse to help?"


And so I think, if Jesus approached each of us with THIS CRAP LOGIC we would ALL be screwed. If He looked at each of us, each time that we prayed for miracles, signs and wonders, a better job, a good home. We have to remember that we do NOT belong to this world, but that we are the ones, through the power of the Holy Spirit supposed to change what is so wrong here. It isn't supposed to make sense in this world. That's why it's so life changing and Jesus transforms. Because He offers hope.


Take it outside of being homeless, but to struggling family, friends, or neighbors, or people in our sunday school class. A brother or sister in need...how can we say, how can I say that I love Jesus, yet I ignore the needs.


Jesus came and humbly offered Himself, knowing that we would waste this world on drugs, and alcohol, and greed, and lust, and break every stinkin commandment that He gave us, which was His love, His grace to us- to keep us from having this exact mindset.


Can we really, HONESTLY, see Jesus walking by the people that are His, that He created and saying- "yeah... I don't have time to help them today, I mean, I know what they are going to use it all for anyway."
And we are to have Christ-like minds, and to walk in His example, and to love with Jesus' love.


...yet look at what we have made it. Look at what we have done to His name. His love. His glory.


We, I, stare Jesus right in the face and say,"what You have made is not worth my time, or my money."


mine.


Yeah, Jesus chose to hang out with who we call dirty fools. Ourselves included.


I dare you to try it, actually I dare me to try it. Read the rest, spend tomorrow eating lunch with a brother or sister.

Monday, November 7, 2011

Jesus gave him what he needed most: touch.

I don't even believe that it was confirmation, I believe it was freedom. He has already "confirmed" it in His word, He told us to go and love. To heal the sick, and love the poor, and take care of the widowed and orphaned and outcasted. It was already confirmed on the cross...when He sent His Holy Spirit to teach us and guide us how to do great things. THAT WAS THE CONFIRMATION!
So why are we sitting around, waiting for a confirmation to go and love the poor? Whether it is in another country or our next door neighbor. We have to stop waiting for that "confirmation" from Jesus because HE HAS ALREADY TOLD US TO DO IT. He would have put it His written word if He wanted us to wait til a specific time to go or to move or to ask if it was ok.
He didn't say, pray about coming and following me- He said COME follow me and IMMEDIATELY they left their nets and followed Him. It was a command. It was His authority.


Proverbs 31:8-9
Open your mouth for the mute,
for the rights of all the unfortunate.
Open your mouth, judge righteously,
and defend the rights of the afflicted and needy.


Not many of you know this, but for the past 2 years, every time that I would read anything in the Bible about leprosy, whether in the old or new testament, it became very difficult to breathe. Now if I could have this reaction for many other things, I would explode, but Holy Spirit was just slowly whispering, "this is how much I love them. this is how much I love them. this is how much I love. I made them for love, I made them to love, so that they can love freely, without hesitation, AND be loved."
I'm crying as I write this, because there have been few times that I have felt this close to Jesus' heart, as when I speak about this subject. The girls on staff here know that anytime this comes up it is highly likely I will cry. Whether it is tears of hurt and pain or tears of joy to know that Jesus loves to kiss their hands, to touch their wounds, the place that has casted them out, the place that causes the most pain to their whole body- He touches.


They are "untouchable". And we are people who desire, who NEED touch. Why do you think that when Jesus made us that He made us with His own hands. His own hands, that touched us. It is so intimate. To go through your life and not be touched, to be forbidden to be touched, to be ripped away from your family, your community, and not even be allowed to go into the holy places to worship- to be stripped of being human. Labeled as a disease. That when you go anywhere, you have to yell, "UNCLEAN. UNCLEAN. UNCLEAN!" You go through life without touch. 
Imagine if we had to, because of all of our sin, worn on our sleeves, yell, "unclean" when we entered the church, with our wounds exposed...


Now when I first began to research leprosy, I literally didn't even think that it still existed today, or if it did, it was very uncommon.

you can click this picture and make it bigger to read the stats about leprosy. or click here to read the FAQ about leprosy.


Now we take away all the statistics and all the lalala about it and we look to Jesus. He will tell us what He thinks of them, let us feel what He feels for them- and that is what changes hearts, truly transforms our hearts. 


Last week my heart was transformed because at Calvary (the church I go to here) we are going through Mark and we talked about Mark 1:40-45. Take a few minutes, go there, and read it. 
See now why I was?


That whole service Holy Spirit was right there next to me, transforming my heart. It was beautiful, the essence and power of His presence was so sweet, not overwhelming, but sweet. His love for them was flowing through Bryan's words as he began to say things in a way that was undeniably Jesus. The leper came begging to Jesus, which one- was completely breaking every cultural norm, especially him being around people and coming that close to Jesus when he wasn't even allowed in the temples. Jesus, a clean, reaches out and TOUCHES an unclean, and instead of Jesus becoming unclean, he makes the man clean. Huh. We think so many times that us as "clean", we can't touch unclean, for fear of becoming unclean- when Jesus set the complete opposite example. And isn't that what we do so many times? Shy away. Then Jesus gave this man what he needed the most: touch. Touch was the healing that transformed him.


This man knew that power of Jesus, because He asked Jesus to make him clean. He was dying and what did he desire? Touch. The transforming touch of Jesus.
This disease of leprosy, makes you desensitized. You lose feeling in parts of your body, so that when you do something small like cut yourself, get a little burn, you can't feel it, causing infection- and this is what causes the limbs and parts of your body to fall off. So he came to Jesus to feel again. 
This humble man, says. "If You will, make me clean." 
And how desensitized have we become?
He risked his life in a social setting, people yelling and being terrified just as the sight of him and then humbly comes before the King saying...if You will.
I could go on and on and on but something to chew on for the next few days. Jesus touched you, reached out His hand to you and said, moved with compassion and pity- "I do choose, BE MADE CLEAN."


"Let us become more aware of Your presence, let us experience the glory of Your goodness!"


Here are some more sites to read on (if you want more, please ask me): 
Leprosy Mission International
American Leprosy Mission


And if you like stories, read these, or these








Saturday, November 5, 2011

immediate proximity


presence 
n
1. the state or fact of being present
2. the immediate proximity of a person or thing
3. personal appearance or bearing, esp of a dignified nature
4. an imposing or dignified personality
5. an invisible spirit felt to be nearby
6. electronics a recording control that boosts mid-range frequencies
7. (of a recording) a quality that gives the impression that the listener is in the presence of the original source of the sound
8. obsolete assembly or company




The lyrics of her spontaneous worship she sings here, has been the cry of the heart for the past month. If I could sum up this past month's prayer, it would be this prayer right here. Sometimes it's the hunger that i'm in and other, it's complete awe.


"...more than the air I breathe. More than the song I sing. More than anything, I need You more.
I'm so hungry for more of Your presence God, I don't wanna stay where I've been, I don't wanna camp out and just stay in one place God, I wanna run deeper into Your presence God. Cause I'm hungry for so much more of You, my heart always follows You, my heart always finds it's way home to You. My heart is pressing in, pressing into Your voice tonight, God. What are You saying, what are You doing? I just wanna be with You, I just wanna be in Your presence tonight. I need You more, so much more than anything, so much more than everything, You are all I want. 
You're all that I want, God.
I need You more.
Your presence is life to me. It's the air that I breathe. I need You more EVERYDAY.
Everyday."


What an incredibly, pure, heart cry. I just can see Jesus with tears in His eyes, knowing that the one He created, who was made to worship Him, is doing just that, in a cry of the heart. This is the part of the song that she stopped singing lyriced words, but began to let the overflow of Jesus in her heart cry out. Do we cry out our hearts words, our thoughts, praise, adoration... not with lyrics, but with our creativity? 
I have discovered that this is one of my most favorite ways to let Jesus know all the insides of my heart. It's so much fun, I dare you to try it! I begin saying and singing things that I didn't even know were there. 




But yet these words have also been the most challenging words of the month. Because do I live, do I reflect a life that says, "Jesus there is nothing, not food, not stuff, not friends, not church, not time with YWAM family, there is nothing that I need more than His presence...everyday." Can my heart be satisfied, be completely filled by His presence alone? I wake up and say, Jesus if nothing else good or nothing else works today, I am so satisfied with a beautiful day in Your presence? 


What other god chooses to be in our presence? What other being desires us to be with him? That us in His presence changes things. It changes our hearts, it changes how we see people, it changes what we do. We walk away completely different than when we were not in His presence.
And what if this was something that we could steward all the time? Because we have access to do so. Imagine if 5 minutes in His presence changes things, what a whole day could do...
What if we actually allow that to change something?


Every time that I hear this song, I just can't get enough of it, there is something in my heart that changes. And past the song, Jesus speaks directly to my heart.








Thank you Jesus that you don't desire to have us walk alone, and that we are allowed, so lovingly, to be dependent on You. Oh, i'd be even more of a mess without it.