How real are we willing to be?

I'm not going to lie: this is very vulnerable.

I have learned the value in being honest, especially with the lifestyle I live, it is a necessity. We live in America where it is easy to hide, and to sugarcoat so much. You know exactly what I am talking about...

"Hi, how are you?"

"Good. How are you?"

"I'm good, thanks!"

 But in this time, I desire to see heart's healed and loved through the reality. I feel as the more people I talk to, it's an unspoken bind that the enemy has over our hearts. My roommate desires and fights for this very thing that seems untouchable. But I say, it can no longer be put in the darkness of our hearts. I believe that Jesus wants us to fight for this very thing.

This is my very honest moment. And re-reading this before I post it, kinda turns my stomach because I know that now each of you can see and read my open messy heart.

Why Jesus do I push You away? When I live my life as a disciple, to run so hard after Your kingdom.

I don't believe You are enough to satisfy me, to really deeply and intimately satisfy me. I see You as a father, as a best friend, but NOTHING like the deep longing love. I desire that more from man, than You Jesus.

"My strength in life is that I am Yours?" Yes, as a daughter that You care deeply for, as a best friend that brings joy abounding...

If nothing else in my heart happens, I will find strength knowing that I am Yours, that my life was to bring You glory. That you are my heart's desire.

And yet how honest can I really be with that statement? Can I sing the words beautifully? Yes. But can I feel loved in a way that only Jesus is. It's who He is. Better, do I even know what that looks like, seek that, open even the smallest window for Jesus to pour so deeply?

Cause I can sing the words and let everyone around me know that it is my desire, but what if the man that I marry, all that I did was sing him songs? How annoying.

That I never really talked about the depth, but only sang what I thought would be most pleasing to hear.

Do I really make it the cry of my heart? To let my heart overflow. Or does it just sound good written out? Cause right now, it's just looking and sounding really good...

Am I a lover of His presence? Absolutely! Do I see fullness of joy, in the purest form? Absolutely.

But my love is not Yours first, it is of You, but not You.

I wanna sing to You Jesus, that YOU are my heart's desire. But I can't because I would be lying. To desire You more than anything would be a LIE to my heart. There are things in my life that replace You. Easily. There are few parts in my heart right now that can only be filled by You. Which in reality, to be fully honest, I think I forget too often that You are fullness. I let others do that for You, because I'm not even sure I would know what that would look like. I run to others to fill hurt, to fill voids, or even to fill joy. Or I enjoy just talking more about You, than really to You. I fall into that too often.

And this breaks me to say. It brings me to the deepest sorrow, belly of tears.

I wanna run so hard.

But I know that You must, and You desire to be that first. That my truest desire right now is to desire You. And this can be said and sung over and over but, I want to really know and truly seek what that means. My life reflects Your love, but my heart is a mess.

And I will fight You until deep cries out to deep. I'm not scared to be angry and confused at You, because to know this deeply is worth so much more than to live in pretend.